Hey gnome, wanna have a catch?

•26 April, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Here’s a story my friend told me that I found to be pretty funny:
Apparently a few of her friends had taken magic mushrooms and then gone out to walk around in the woods. They’re wandering about for a little while when they come upon a gnome. (If you don’t know about gnomes then you’re stupid and should get your life together)
So they’re like, “Hey gnome, what’s goin’ on?” And “Hey gnome, wanna play frisbee?” So they throw around a frisbee for a while with the gnome then they’re like, “Hey gnome, you like video games?” Gnome: Yea. Dudes: Alright come back to our house with us gnome and hang out. So they went home and played some video games with the gnome, and overall had a pretty good time.
They wake up the next morning and lying there next to them is this little boy. The gnome they found in the woods was actually some little boy, who they basically kidnapped. They ended up taking him to the police station right away saying they found this little boy wandering around in the woods.
But imagine if you were the boy: you’re out playing in the woods when these dudes come out of nowhere and keep calling you gnome.
Hey gnome, catch this frisbee!
Hey gnome, want some nachos?

Uhh, my name’s Billy…

Man, you’re funny gnome!

I miss my mommy…

Wow, gnomes have moms too? That’s crazy!

I don’t love raymond and me and Seinfeld aren’t F-r-i-e-n-d-s…

•3 February, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I was flipping through some channels the other day and I realized the syndication of some shows is getting out of hand. Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Seinfeld were each on two channels at the same time. Say I have 60 channels, 6 of the channels were taken up by these three shows. 1 in 10 channels would have these on, so I decided to project a little bit into the future when 10 in 10 channels have these shows on, or maybe even further into the future when 11 in 10 have these shows… Huh? It’s okay…
Enjoy the Show(s)…

I’m an idiot

•4 December, 2006 • 4 Comments

Yea so the first thing to know before you find out why exactly Im an idiot is that when I order things online and I don’t like to use my real name in the shipping address. This because my dad has the same name as me, yea?, so when a package comes in the mail for ‘Joe Schoppy’ you don’t know who it’s for. I think he has opened one of my packages by accident and I did the same to him. But its probably not as big a deal for my dad or for any other normal human being but sadly the majority of the fun of getting a package for me is opening it. More often than not I open something then lose interest with whats inside. Sometimes I’ll order something just to open a package in a week or so, even if its like an eraser or a three-pack of q-tips. Anyway, I first would change my name to something similar but recognizable to me, like ‘J Schoppy” or ‘Joey Schoppy’ but I soon grew tired of this.

So I just started putting random names in the shipping title but having the correct home address and the package comes to me no problem. I recently got a package at home addressed to ‘Slurms MacKenzie’. And I just bought something a little over a month ago and had it shipped to a different name but my school address. So Im waiting and waiting I check the tracking number and it says it was delivered 5 days after I ordered but still no package. Finally two days ago I call up the company I bought the thing from and ask them where my package is. They say it has been shipped and USPS says it was delivered, but they will do some checking on where it is. I then email USPS but have yet to get a response. Finally, I email the head of my school’s mail service and tell him my mailbox number, seeing if they could check in the warehouse or in the bushes to see if my package accidentally fell out somewhere or got lost. (that last sentence sounds pretty weird talking about my package).

But I get an email back from the mailroom guy today that saying that yea they’ve had my package for a while. Apparently it was addressed to ‘Chet Schnaffernaffy’ and since they didn’t know who that was it went to this special room. So yea I’m retarded because putting a weird name on the package caused me all this hassle or hassel? meh, but it was well worth it. I go down to get the thing a few hours ago and the guy is like ‘Are you Chet?’ Me: Why yes… yes I am. Dude: Here’s your package. Me: Thanks.

Oh and another thing I like doing is putting in some random organization. Because it doesn’t cost me anything and its really funny making people type something ridiculous I think of onto a label for postmen to see. Some of my recent organizations include: No Can Do Slurms Inc., Make Me… a Winner Inc., NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) If you don’t watch the Daily Show you don’t know what Im talking about and you’re dead to me.

Gloria!! Where’s Ryan? Oh… Where’s Ryan??

•2 December, 2006 • 1 Comment

Dun dun dun
dun dun.. dun

Eventually Ill explain the pictures but until I do feel free to comment on what you think they mean

Why so frightened young whipper snapper?

•1 December, 2006 • Leave a Comment

What is this lil guy so worried about? Who/what could he be looking at?


•1 December, 2006 • 1 Comment

Good ole crazy Jack. Scratch the good.. yea… ole crazy Jack.

The Delicate Balance: Smile Fade Vs. Looking Creepy

•13 November, 2006 • 3 Comments

The other day a dude was talking to his friend outside of the kitchen. And his friend said something funny because he had a big smile on his face as he turned away and looked across the room at me. Now, if I would have looked at him a few seconds later, I wouldn’t have seen the whole interaction with his friend. And all I would have seen was some dude I didn’t know looking at me with a huge smile, freakin me out. I’ve done this myself a few times and felt like a creep, because I’ll look away from my friend and shine an unwaranted smile right in someone else’s face. Needless to say it’s awkward.

So it looks like I should keep this in mind and try to cut my smile-time short to avoid smiling at someone who doesn’t deserve it. But with this I run into another problem. If you cut your smile too short you run the risk of having your friend see your smile fade and this is much much creepier than the undeserved smile. It looks like this:

then smile
then while still staring at you, he goes back to normal
then further away from the smile, while still staring
Very disconcerting.
(I’m pretty sure I first heard of a smile fader from seinfeld, maybe? Yes?)

Lesson learned: To maximize uncreepiness, you have to aim for the dead center of smile fader and creepy smiler.

Smile Fader :| :) :| :( ———– You :) ———– Creepy Smiler :D


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